Ass Bruise

So, my husband is one of those "suffer in silence" types. He often hurts himself whilst out doing his manly things in the woods, and I don't know that he has hurt himself until I find bloody Band-Aids in the garbage, notice he's missing a fingernail (ew!), or see him hobbling around more than usual. Maybe that's a good thing, because hey, no one likes a whiny bitch, now does one?

Nice, Bev. Nice.

That being said, two weeks ago the dude went skiing and fell down. Hard. Again, it's not unusual (Tom Jones - shout out!) for him to hobble a bit after a particularly grueling day on the slopes. He often takes a couple of days to walk normally and can be found on the couch, nursing a beer, elevating and icing his knee. Have I mentioned he's had two ACL repairs? No? Well, yeah, there's that.

So I didn't blink when he was looking even worse than usual last week, walking a little sideways and a lot stiffly. In fact, I am so unobservant that he managed to hide his GIGANTIC SWOLLEN AND PURPLE ASS BRUISE from me for almost 5 full days. When he finally showed it to me, I could not believe it. He has shelf-ass.

His hip is swollen out at least 8", it's rock hard, and is the most vile purplish-blackish-yellowish-greenish color you've ever seen.

< This is where I'd put the picture of it if my stupid camera hadn't stupid broken, and if he hadn't threatened me with the posting of some of our more unsightly photos of me from our collection if I dared take a photo of his swollen ass bruise. >

Now, 9 days later, the blood seems to be draining from said wound down his leg and pooling into his freakishly-deformed caveman foot. It's completely revolting, and I cannot believe he didn't go see a doctor. I mean, dude, your leg is the size of a Redwood and is turning nauseating colors. What would it take to make you go see an MD?

In related news, here's a tip for ya: don't Google Image "ass bruise." Seriously, don't.