TMI Thursday: Not-So-Sweet Nothings

Wow, it has been ages since I've dipped a toe into TMI territory!  I'm not sure why I feel inclined to go there today, but I do feel the need to talk about S-E-X and share a few of the moments that still make me cringe to this day.  Why?  Because why the hell not, that's why.  You love it.

Anyway, today's topic is unsexy things that have been said to you while in the throes of passion.  As always, I'll go first, and then I'd love to hear about some of yours in the comment section!

When I think about the most unsexy thing that anyone has ever said to me, I'm instantly transported back in time to October of my freshman year of college.  My HS boyfriend, who went to a different school 9 hours away, was visiting me for the first time since we'd parted ways at the end of August.  I'd gone to great lengths to get my roommate out of the room for the night, had visited Victoria's Secret for a silky lil' number to surprise him with, and had stocked up on some of his favorite snacks.  It was late Friday night when he arrived and we quickly fell into bed and got it on.  After, as I pondered whether Woolite would take stains out of silk we lay tangled on my twin bed under a wall-sized poster of the nearly-naked Red Hot Chili Peppers, we chatted about our new lives at our respective schools.

It was during this lazy, breezy talk that he slipped up and dropped a game changer:

HE CALLED ME "LISA."

I don't know if you've noticed, but that's not my name.  "Who the fuck is Lisa?" I demanded.  He stuttered and stammered and insisted that she was just a friend.  I fled the room and cried in the bathroom.  We eventually made up and finished out the weekend, but it nagged at me.  Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag.  Who is Lisa?  Why was he thinking of her while we were naked?  WTF?

We made it though the rest of the school year and then he broke up with me the second we got home for summer break after admitting that he had plans to go see Lisa that summer.  Yadda yadda yadda, now they're married with a couple of kids.  It's no biggie - we've both moved on and are even FB friends, and every now and then he pops by the OOBH.  Wouldn't surprise me if he was reading this right now.

No hard feelings.  It was a teaching moment for La Bev, and trust me when I tell you that I am SO GLAD that I didn't have a steady boyfriend for the next couple of years because I would have missed out on a lot of good times and new... experiences. *WINK*  So yes, the worst of my "Not-So-Sweet Nothings" said in bed is simply, "Lisa."

The second still makes me laugh when I think of it.  Quite simply, once upon a time I was showering with a new boyfriend.  He was washing my back and derriere and I was starting to get a little turned on when he suddenly blurted out, "Have you had this mole checked out?"

No, not that kind of mole.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

It's a good thing he was cute & I loved him!  I've killed men for less.*


So, there you have it, now it's your turn!  I'm turning the mic over to you and asking:

What's the most unsexy thing someone has ever said to you before/during/after sexy times?

*By "killed" I mean "spanked."

Wordless Wednesday: Random Funnies

Just a few pics that I found on FunPics to (hopefully) make you smile.

Mmm, pie.

I'm so doing this.

Seriously.  Look at it.

I've gotta get me some o' dat.

Tell me about your Mother (should I trust the government?)

Happy Hump Day!
XOXO

From the Vault: Black Sheep Edition

Recently I came across a few dusty old boxes of pictures and clippings that made me smile, so I thought it might be time to open the Vault again here on the OOBH. In this edition of From the Vault you'll probably end up asking "How the hell did La Bev come from such a nice, conservative family and become the pervy humor-monger that she is today?"

Well, my peeps, your guess is truly as good as mine, but I don't analyze it too much -- I sleep better that way.

This is a December 1971 edition of Life Magazine.

Featuring a my great-grandfather and my cousin -- holla for Scotland!

My grandmother and great-aunt both worked for Time Life in NYC, so I suppose that had something to do with how my great-grandfather and my cousin Mike were selected for this article. Together they represented Scotland in an article about immigrants and their American-born offspring. As you can tell if you read the article, my great grandparents were devout Covenanters from Scotland who worked hard, prayed hard, and exercised every day of their lives.

Something you probably don't know about the Bev -- I come from a very religious family. On my mom's side many of our relatives don't believe in drinking or dancing; they also sing in 3-part harmony at family gatherings, attend & teach at religious colleges, and go to foreign countries on missions from God. A few of them are scholars and published authors with multiple Ph.D.s, all in religious studies. Needless to say, all of our family functions involve tea, panty hose, and awkward conversations.

And then there's me, the picture of class, good taste, and constraint. ------->

*SNORT* I don't even go to church and frankly, I consider myself to be more spiritual than religious. It goes without saying that I like to get my party on and show off my killer dance moves every chance I get. If it weren't for the family resemblance and for the fact that my sister shares my ribald sense of humor, I'd think I was switched at birth!

So yeah, it's probably a good thing if Great-Granddad is busy playing golf with Ghandi in the after life and not checking in on his sweet great-granddaughter.

How about you guys -- do you come by who you are honestly, or are you a bit of a black sheep too?

Monday Fun: Who's on your Ugly But Sexy List?

Hey, all! It's one of those gray, rainy days when I wish I could be home in pj bottoms with a blanket and a good book. Stupid work - always getting in the way of my dreams of doing nothing!

The weekend was great, but I could use another day to recover. On Friday I went out with my friend Megan to a group psychic reading, which was really interesting even though she and I were the only two people in the room who didn't get a reading.  It was still a cool experience, especially the part where she did a brief hypnosis session and I felt like I was tripping.

Anyone ever been hypnotized? It wasn't what I was expecting, that's for sure. I felt fully cognizant the whole time, but my body felt like it was made of lead and my head was clear but somehow felt like it was on another plain of consciousness. I know what drugs feel like (shhh!), and this felt very much like someone had drugged me. It was weird, but kind of cool! The mind is a powerful thing, that's for sure.

After the session Meg and I met up with Mala for a drinky-poo, but we were all kind of worn-out so it wasn't a big night on the town. Over our cocktails we did start talking about something that I knew would make a great blog post, so I quickly started jotting things down so I wouldn't forget them. Of course, as I sat down to write this post I realized that my handy-dandy list is at home on the kitchen table, so let's see how Bev's memory is, shall we?

Discussion Topic Du Jour: What celebrity do you find ugly but also oddly sexy? Here's who we came up with:

Anjelica Huston
My husband thinks she's hot, and I can't imagine why.

Javier Bardem

How can he be sexy with that mug?  IDK, but he IS.

 Uma Thurman
 Sometimes she looks amazing.  Most of the time, notsomuch.

Owen Wilson

 Only a man could get away with that nose in Hollywood.

 

Kirstin Dunst
Snaggletooth.

 

Mick Jagger

 Fugly, but undeniably sexy.

  

Sandra Bernhard
Even Playboy thought she was sexy enough for the cover.

Adrian Brody

 Seriously, look at him!

 
Fergie Ferg
See Also: Face, Butter

 

Benicio Del Toro

 It must be the accent.

 

Maggie Gyllenhaal
Nobody has ever been such a sexy Secretary, but still....

Lady GAGA

Exhibit A:

Thoughts?  Who is on your "Kind of ugly but I'd still nail them like a loose floorboard" list?  Spill!

TGI-Funny!

Hey, my peeps! Hope you're all coasting through your Fridays and skidding into the weekend with a beer in one hand and a bag of chips in the other. I'm taking it easy today. My oldest son has no school so he's here in my office with me. He's being really good, so soon I'll reward him with lunch at McD's and an exciting trip through the automatic car wash. Don't say I don't spoil the kid!

I've got two quick funnies for you today and one video that I just thought was cool.

The first video is from my cool-as-shit friend Cheryl, who manages to be a scholar, a lawyer, a hot babe, and a wife and mother of two without being annoying in the slightest. That's a mean feat! She's also one of my oldest friends; she's been putting up with my shenanigans for over twenty years now. Yikes!

This is just another example of why I rarely relate to "mommy blogs" and feel like the only mom in the PTA who likes to drink and swear.

This made me LOL:

Finally, I just thought this was neat. Do yourself a favor and mute it though; the music is ultra-annoying!

Impressive Chameleon - watch more funny videos

You come and go... you come and gooo-ooo.

Gotta run. Have a happy weekend, my dears!
*mwah*

I Was So Much Older Then (Updated!)

I'm younger than that now.

I was reminded of that line by Bob Dylan the other day when I had a series of awkward conversations with the new girl at work, who may or may not also work as a stripper as her other job.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.  The Bev doesn't judge.  In fact, when I heard that one of the new advisors (a notorious but unlikely-looking playboy) was thinking of hiring one of his ultra-young paramours as an assistant, I was secretly thrilled.  I hardly socialize with any of the uptight stuffy folks here in my little office, choosing to keep to myself aside from brief, polite exchanges when proximity requires them, so the idea that someone with a little pizazz and a little raunch was coming into the office was exciting.  The fact that my other female coworkers were scandalized just sweetened the deal.  Bring.  It.  On!

Enter the new girl.  It's not clear whether or not she was/is a stripper at all, but she is very young and very pretty.  She's got a lot of tattoos, including the ever-popular upper arm barbed-wire and a tramp stamp.  She wears a lot of make up and perfume but dresses appropriately, if not a little too nicely for our laid-back office.  All of our exchanges had been brief but I helped her learn the ropes quite a bit for her first week.  She was nice but a little... off, somehow.  Socially awkward.  She had a hard time maintaining eye contact, talked very fast, and asked weird questions at weird times.

I quickly decided that she and I would interact just as I do with the rest of the coworkers with whom I have nothing in common; that is to say, only when necessary.  Next thing you know, she keeps coming by my desk awkwardly trying to chat, which is not something that I encourage.  I have work to do and an overly-talkative crazy cat lady coworker to contend with on the best of days.  Plus, I sneak in quite a bit of my own writing (including this blog!) during my down time rather than make idle, forced chit-chat with anyone.  Call me reclusive, I don't care.  I don't come to work to socialize at this point in my life.  I want to do my job, collect my paycheck, and get the heck outta Dodge.

What followed were two extremely bizarre conversations that left me scratching my head and mentally adding her to "THE LIST."

The other day I'm making copies and sending out a fax.  She enters and blurts out, "Are you married?"  I said that I was, and then she proceeded to ask me a series of increasingly personal questions.   I was already edging towards the door as politely as I could when she asked if I have kids.  I said, "Yes, I have two boys.  They are seven and three."  She then said, "Oh, I have two boys too!  But they're rats.  Their names are Collin and Brandon."

I just smiled blankly.  Did she just compare my children to her pet rodents?

I asked her a few cursory questions about the vermin, but she wouldn't let me go just yet.  She asked if I have any pets and I told her we'd just gotten a kitten.  She then launched into a 10 minute tirade about how important it is to spay or neuter your pet, and if I didn't do that then I was practically abusing my kitten.

HELLO?  First of all, I've owned more pets in my lifetime than I can count on both hands, I used to volunteer at the Humane Society, and I guarantee that I've owned pets for longer than this skinny bitch has been alive.  Plus, my kitten is 10 weeks old - far too young to be spayed.  Maybe find out a little something about me as a pet owner before lecturing me for 10 minutes about something that I already agree with, ya' fuckin' weirdo!

I walked away scratching my head and muttering under my breath, but otherwise dismissed the incident as "Okay, the new girl is kind of odd."

The next day she showed up with a bag of stuff "for me."  Turns out, Skanky McSkinny-Bones is an Herbalife consultant on the side, so she oh-so-helpfully brought me in a whole bunch of samples because I've been getting over a cold.  Sounds nice enough, right?  Completely  unwanted, but nice.  Until she hauled out packets of weight loss shakes and thrust them at me.

Oh no she di'nt!

Let's get this straight.  I definitely don't have spare cash to be dropping on overpriced echinacea tablets, nor do I have the desire to starve myself or drink my meals in an effort to be skinny.  I like my curves, even the ones that I'm currently working on paring down after enjoying a little too much BBQ & beer this summer.  More importantly, who does that?  Who just shows up and says, "You must need these weight loss shakes since you're such a cow," after working with someone for less than a week?  Bitch best step off.

Later I saw that she had put a little Herbalife display up in the kitchen, leading everyone who walked in to ask who the fuck was trying to hock their wares in the break room, and IS SHE CALLING US FAT?!

For the first time ever, I actually bonded with my coworkers because of our mutual confusion caused by the crazy new girl.  So there's that.

On the way home from work I was telling Jim all about it and we had a lot of laughs at her expense.  We agreed that she is in that 20-something bubble when you think you know everything and have it all figured out, before the bottom falls out and bad shit happens in your life and you realize that you don't know your ass from your elbow about how life works.

I truly believe that age can bring wisdom, but really we just get wise to the fact that we don't know jack. 

*******UPDATE*******


Guess who was "let-go" this morning, right after I hit Publish on this post?  I'm a little freaked out.  *glancing over shoulder*  Is this place bugged?  


Yikes!  Back to the pole you go, Herb-Girl!

Wordless Wednesday

Let's Have A Flashback Together!

Errr, does anyone else see that?

Maude Lebowski: What do you do for recreation?  

The Dude:  Oh, the usual. I bowl. Drive around.  The occasional acid flashback.

Okay, okay, we won't REALLY have a flashback, but let's watch a few videos that will probably jog some childhood memories loose!

When I was a kid I loved all of the School House Rock clips that they'd show in between Saturday morning cartoons. I swear this is how I learned what a conjunction and adverb was, not to mention how you should hanker for a hunka cheese when you're hungry!   These were my favorites.

Who else hums this one randomly from time to time? I hope it's not just me!



Elec-tricity! Eee-lect-ricity!



Last but not least, I can't do a post about School House Rock without the legendary "I'm Just a Bill" song!



Bonus vid: Family Guy skewers the Bill, literally.

One last thing - a few of you have already noticed that Mala and I started a new blog called The Angry Owl. It's a rant blog of sorts, but that's where we will discuss real issues that irritate us, but in a humorous way. As you know, I like to keep the OOBH a happy-ish place, so adopting the persona of a pissed-off owl seemed like a good way to have my cake & eat it too! Check it out, if you'd like. We'd love to see you there.

Later, taters!

Living Through Grief

I sure don't feel like working today, yet here I am, typing away and smiling benignly at my inexplicably cheerful coworkers, trying to ignore the fact that my pants must have shrunken in the wash again because why else would they be cutting into my waist like this?  THIS is why I hate pants, folks.

What else could it be?  I dunno.  Possibly the immediate results of the Burger King chicken sandwich that I crammed into my mouth on Friday night while driving my entire family around in the Odysexy?  Noooo, that couldn't be it.  Maybe the fact that I haven't felt good for about two weeks now so I've been using my treadmill as a towel rack?   Nawww.  Can't be.  It's gotta be that stupid defective dryer.

I would really rather be at home in my comfy flannel pants, playing with my pussy.

What did you think I meant, ya' pervs?  ;)

Happiness is a warm modem.

Her name is Luna and she is 9 weeks old. She's just precious and we're heaping affection on her to help get her adjusted to her new home. Of course, a 3 year-old's version of "heaping affection" is more like chasing/grabbing/holding her around the middle with her little legs dangling, but so far she seems to be tolerating all that love very well.

It's funny, because I didn't realize how much I missed having a pet in the house until we got one. I've always had animals - always, until last year when we lost our dog and both cats to separate illnesses.  Jim and I needed some time to recover, but recently we decided we were ready, and more importantly, the kids were ready for a furry friend.

So, we added a family member and I can't stop smiling about it! I'm on the look-out for a male orange kitteh to complete our pussy pack, but we're in no rush. Next Spring we may even venture back into dog-land. Things are finally coming full-circle for me after everything got tipped on its ear in 2009, and it's wonderful to feel like my old self again. As difficult as it was to lose my father, my grandmothers, and all my pets last year, I now see that I have gained so much... and not just in my thighs.

I made some wonderful new friends online (that's you!), I rediscovered a direction for my creativity and I finally see what will hopefully be a light at the end of the tunnel that is my boring financial job, some day.  Most importantly, I'm able to fully enjoy my family again. I've always loved and appreciated them, don't get me wrong, but during my worst months of grieving I felt like I was just going through the motions. I felt like I was missing out; I had disconnected myself on some level. I now realize that I was more introverted than I ever had been before, which is natural when you have a wound inside that no one else can see or heal.

Now, at last, I have more happy days than sad. I'm finally able to stop obsessing over things and people that don't matter in the long run.  A year after my Dad died, I felt like a spell was lifted -- but it still took another 6 months to feel like ME - yet somehow with more wisdom and sparkles and shit.

After all.

La Bev is happy. I'm an optimist but also a realist.  I don 't rely on the actions of others to determine my mood.  I don 't let anyone tell me what I can't do.  I love my children and my husband more than anything.  I believe in things that can't be seen.  I believe that everything happens for a reason - even the bad things.  I am trying not to take everything so personally because the world is filled with fucked up people who will try to make you feel like you're the crazy one if you let them.  I won't let them anymore.  I am a work in progress, just like Lindsay Lohan.

Here's Linds just last week, working on her progress.

Haha, I was kidding about that last part - thankfully I'm nothing like Lindsay Lohan!  Well, except that I like to party (but responsibly!) and I love petting furry kitties.  Heh heh.

So anywho, if anyone is still listening, thanks for being patient while I went on and on.  A good friend of mine once told me that there's no way around grief; you have to go through it.  I think that's a very accurate way to look at it, and finally I feel like I'm coming out the other side again.  Yay, me.

XOXO

OOBH Stew: What A Boob! Edition

Happy Friday, my lovely BOOBHs! Who's ready for a weekend? I know I am; I've been limping through this week while fighting a very strange on-again/off-again cold, so I'm ready for some R&R. We're also picking up our new kitten this evening, so I'm excited about that! I haven't had a kitten in over 14 years... so this will be interesting. I've warned the kids to expect lots of scratches and bites, but something tells me there will be tears as they get used to kitten behavior. Oy.

Anyhooters, despite my lingering cold I managed to throw together some yummy OOBH Stew today. Don't worry, I wore rubber gloves and a hairnet to keep my germs contained. Dig in!

So there is such a thing as "too big."

According to Oddee.com and Guinness World Records, this woman has the largest natural breasts in the world. Ouch!

Oddee sez:

In 1999, the Guinness World Records declared Norma as having the Biggest Natural Breasts in the world and also the owner of the largest bra. Her measurements at the time were 70-48-52". Her bra size was 48V. Each tit weighed 28 pounds and she weighed 270. Since then her tits have grown up to 72ZZZ and she tops the scale at 345 pounds.

YIKES!  Almost 60 lbs of boobage?  That is just plain crazy-talk.

We've been HAD.

Well, we would have been had if we gave a crap, I guess.

It's been confirmed that Dave was NOT in on the joke.

Remember when we all watched Joaquin Phoenix go off the deep end and turn into a mumbling, unkempt "rap star" who thoroughly embarrassed himself on Letterman while promoting his "documentary," I'm Still Here?  Turns out, it was all a publicity stunt in the name of performance art.  Filmmaker Casey Affleck admitted to the NYT that it was all a ruse.

Sadly, according to the reviews I've read, knowing it's fake won't make this movie any better, though maybe the knowledge will ease the nausea caused by seeing Joaquin (allegedly) get shat upon.

But probably not.  ::shudder::

What? You mean Kate Gosselin doesn't really look impossibly good? Get out!

Courtesy of WWTDD

People magazine Photoshopped the bejezus out of that one, eh?  Sure, Kate looks like she works hard to keep her figure trim and I've seen legitimate pics of her on the beach where she is rocking a 6-pack, but the People cover is yet another example of how the media takes someone who already looks fine by normal societal standards and turns them into completely smoothed-out androids with zero percent body fat and not a blemish in sight.  It's bullshit, and I'm sick of seeing it.  I actually want to see the beautiful people's warts!  This is why I adore the bottom-feeding paparazzi for keepin' it real.

Btw, it's a well-documented fact that Kate had a tummy tuck and lipo to put her abused bod back together after having a litter of kids, but she denies having had a boob job.  Uh huh.  Suuuuuuuure, Kate.

A funny Facebook pic.

This one's been making the rounds on FB this week and it made me giggle:

Cockroaches and Cher, right Rich Girl Red?  ;)

Finally, a bit of randomness that is both completely bizarre and guaranteed to get stuck in your head:

From IAmHilarious

"Ooh, that's dirty!"
"Do ya think so?"

Ha ha!  I likey.

Hope you enjoyed it, my dears.  Catch you on the flip side!

Toy Makers are Sickos

The other night we celebrated my youngest son's 3rd birthday. I was sick so mostly I just threw some presents and cake at him and then lay on the couch while they opened and played with the new swag, but it was still a joyous occasion. Let's face it - every birthday takes us one step further away from changing poopy diapers, so I'm all for it!

One present stood out from the rest, however, and I can't quite put my finger on why that is.

It's a Leap Frog product, so it's edumacational!

Hmmmm. Does anybody else think that this looks a little... um... inappropriate for a toddler? It's quite fancy, really; it lights up and offers word games and songs, and the head tip top is all nubby so it offers lots of sensory stimulation. Heh heh. Stimulation, indeed.

EW! Bad visuals! Stop, stop!




I've often thought that the people who dream up kids' toys are a little on the pervy side. Remember my post about Backdoor Elmo last year?

Who's making this crap, Hugh Hefner?

Anyway, the kid got lots of new toys, so I doubt he'll miss this one. What? Shut up! Gotta run!
XOXO