Well, well, well, what have we here?

Santa brought me a very interesting Christmas present. Well, okay, in reality, I ordered it myself from Amazon and DH wrapped it and "surprised" me, but whatev. :) Details, details.

What I got was Charlaine Harris's complete Sookie Stackhouse Southern Vampire series of books. These are the books that HBO's True Blood series was based on. I watched about 30 minutes of the pilot episode of True Blood while visiting Jim's parents (we cancelled HBO after the Sopranos was over in favor of Showtime because we like Weeds & Dexter) and was really into it, but a little irked by some similarities between the show and the Twilight series.

I thought, at the time, that HBO had borrowed from Twilight on some key plot points. Turns out, after reading some of these fun little supernatural mysteries, that it might have been vice versa. The first Sookie book, Dead Until Dark, was published in 2001, whereas Twilight came out in 2003. By then, Harris had already cranked out 2 more Sookie novels. Hmmmm. Inneresting, eh?

I can't believe that Stephenie Meyer (author of Twilight) never read these books. The similarities are TOO blatant.

To wit:

Female protagonist who falls in love with a vampire? Check.
One of them is a mind-reader? Check.
Part of the initial attraction is that the mind reader cannot read the mind of the love interest? Check.
Vampires are cold and hard? Check.
Vampires are alternately unnaturally still or fast? Check.
There is a whole community/world of Vampires that humans don't know about? Check.
Vamps like to drive fast and have lots of money? Check.
Love triangle between Vamp/girl/shapeshifter? Check.
Werewolves exist? Check.
Becoming a vampire takes 3 days of agony? Check.

And that's just off the top of my head.

Now, there are some crucial differences between the two series, and I can't believe I am saying this, but these differences mean that I now love Harris's vampire books WAY more than Meyer's. I know!! I fell so hard for Twilight, too. Wierd.

Basically, Charlaine Harris's books are Twilight for ADULTS. Sookie Stackhouse is a no-nonsense Southern belle who is gorgeous, brave, self-sufficient, and strong. To the contrary Bella Swan comes off as a perpetual victim who can't go anywhere without running into life-threatening peril. Sookie can, and does, save herself about 80% of the time (and who doesn't need saving for the other 20% of the time? I know I do), unlike Bella, who is always swooning, falling, and needing to be saved. Also, Sookie has S-E-X. Hot sex.

Author Charlaine Harris may be a Southern lady who looks like the sort of person you'd want to sip sweet tea with after church on a big antebellum porch somewhere, but she delivers the goods when it comes to the sexy times. Unlike Mormon mom Stephenie Meyer, who comes off as a bit of a goody two-shoes after dodging the sex question for 3 novels then glazing over it & giving no juicy dirt in the 4th. Harris's world has a seedy underbelly. Meyers's world is all teenagers who don't have sex or drink and bad guys who are really just misunderstood. Hmmm....

More than anything, I am curious about the similarities between these two series of books. I cannot be the only one who has noticed them; I guess it's okay since they're marketed towards different groups (teen girls versus grown women). All I know is that I'm hooked. I've read the first 3 Sookie novels and have 5 more after that, and I'm loving every funny, flirty, scary, sexy moment of them! I may not be getting any smarter from reading them, but I'm certainly enjoying myself. And I can't be sure, but I think that is the point. ;)

Bev's picks for the 5 best Christmas movies evah!

My list is a little bit different than most of the ones you'll find out there this time of year. It's A Wonderful Life? Booooooring! Miracle on 34th Street? Snoozers! Here are my faves:

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation


The kids are probably the worst of all in this movie; Juliette Lewis as Audrey? Puh-lease! And why is Rusty younger than ever in this one?!

But, it's still a Vacation movie, and it still features Cousin Eddy and Clark W. Griswold, so I still laugh. Every. Time.

Best line: "Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer..."

Elf



Because Will Farrell & Zooey Deschanel can do no wrong in my book, and because smiling is my favorite, too. :)

Best line: "He's an angry elf."

Scrooged



Bill Murray. Need I say more?

Best line: "Well, I'm sure Charles Dickens would have wanted to see her nipples."

The Polar Express



Because I am indebted to this movie for the countless hours of G-rated entertainment it has provided BS over the last 3 years. If it weren't for the PE, I'd never get online around the holidays. ;)

Best line: "Because sometimes the most real things of all are the things you can't see."

A Christmas Story



Duh. There's a reason this movie runs ad nauseum every Christmas. Because it's awesome, and infinitely quoteable, and we can all relate to it on a very basic kid-level, yes?

Best line: "You'll shoot your eye out, kid."

So there you have it! I'll be watching Fred Claus with the fam later today, so I'll let ya know if that's an instant classic or not. ;)

Merry Christmas eve, everyone!

Schweddy Balls

We had our little work holiday potluck & Yankee Swap today. Well, it used to be called the Holiday Party out of respect for my boss, who is Jewish, even though the rest of us celebrate Christmas. Of course, he never comes to said Holiday Party because he goes on vacation, but we still kept it PC and called it the Holiday Party. Now, we have a new staff member who is a Jehovah's Witness, so we have to be even more PC, so now we call it the December Potluck. No, we don't have potlucks for the other 11 months of the year, but that's beside the point.

Aaaaanyway. Someone brought in Rum balls. I immediately started my "Schweddy Balls" routine, because, as you know, it's what I do. Pop culture reference? Yeah, I got that.

A disappointing handful of my boring coworkers got the Schweddy balls reference.

Now, these balls. Wowza. You could smell the rum before you even brought it to your lips; the things were heavy with it. They were like rum-sodden donut holes. I restrained myself and had just two, but the food and the merriment, etc. all combined to make me feel more than a little sassy. To make this clear: I WAS NOT DRUNK FROM THE TWO SCHWEDDY BALLS. Bitch, please. My tolerance is not that low.

So I'm getting a little goofy with my stiff ol' coworkers, and we're having a good time, and suddenly everyone is looking at me like I'm the "new Beverly" and saying stuff about how the rum balls must be kicking in because Beverly is soooo funny! Yadda yadda yadda... it must be the booze. (this is me rolling my eyes)

I tried to explain as nicely as possible that THIS is closer to the real Beverly than they've ever been allowed to get before now. The person who sits at my desk every day and listens to their idiotic complaints is the watered-down, dead-eyed version of a pretty FUN person. I typically check my personality at the door.

Bottom line: I've worked here for 5 years, and no one knows me at all.

Well, except Joe, who did vouch for me by saying that whenever we go out with our spouses, I'm a riot. :) Thanks, Broseph.

Back at my desk just now, one of the guys just brought over another rum ball and said that they had all voted and decided I should have another. Hardy har har.

** sigh ** They still think the rum made me silly, when, in fact, God did that. ;)

BAH! Humbug. Here's Alec Baldwin & his Shweddy Balls:

Breaking News!

My boyfriend Robert Pattinson cut that greasy, stringy, totally disgusting (yet somehow still oddly dreamy) head of hair!







Um, yeah.
You're welcome.









*sigh*


Yes, I know that continually acknowledging my celeb-cyber-stalkery completely destroys any and all credibility that I may have had prior to making this post. I'm okay with that.

Carry on.

Mornin'

Another lovely Monday morning has arrived! My weekend was beyond dull for two reasons, one of which is a result of my nemesis, Mother Nature, and the other because of my own mild case of idiocy.

Firstly, on the idiocy front, on Friday afternoon I allegedly left the overhead light on in my car and ran down the battery. So, my car sat like a statue in the garage all weekend because we were too lazy to deal with it. Oh, and apparently automatic transmission Hondas cannot be put into neutral so you can push 'em out of said garage to be jump-started. Who knew?

Well, technically you can, but it involves sticking your key in a special no-no hole in the steering column, giving it a counter-clockwise swirl, and stopping precisely when you get to the sign that says, "Rib Tips." Or something like that. Suffice to say, the manual was far too complicated for me, so I didn't bother.

Secondly, that smug bitch Mother Nature was at it again. There was no pause between the two snow storms that each dumped about a foot of the white fluffy crap on us. It just snowed and snowed and snowed. It's all good - it's winter in New England, and I do expect snow from time to time. However, I didn't realize that my minivan would become such an albatross in the snow. The thing can't get out of its own way. For reals. I am going to be investing in some bad-ass sanded, studded, glass-embedded snow tires.

All's well that ends well, of course. The weekend was a nice chance to catch up with my (clearly insane) oldest son and (perpetually sticky) toddler, do a little readin', a little writin' (I'm up to 106 pages, people!), and a lot of soggin'. Jim invested in a little car charger thingie and got me restarted this morning, so all's well there. The Metallic Pea rides again.

Oh, and crazy coworker called in "snow" today, so I just have to deal with the nutty boss as he flies around and tries to get ready to leave for his vacation this afternoon. Huzzah! Two more days till my mini vacay! Then, two-day workweek next week, and another little vacay! Life is good.

If you're still reading this rambling piece of garbage, I salute you! You're awesome, intelligent, and shockingly good-looking. And don't you forget it.

Have a good one!

Ow.

Adding injury to insult, last night I cut my hand open on a can of peaches. I had been spooning some out for LS, when I dropped the can and then caught it with my right hand. The jagged top sliced a rather gaping gash just below my right pinky finger. It bled a lot. I washed it out with soap and water (ouch!) and stopped the bleeding, but then I sat there and stared at it, wondering if I needed to get stitches. I probably should have; it was open enough that I could see the fatty layer under the skin. (blech!)

My mind ran through the scenario that would unfold if I went to the ER. Me sitting there among the truly wounded, holding my boo-boo. Me getting stitches. Me being there for hours and hours just to get a few silly stitches.

So I decided to let DH decide, since he has suffered many gaping wounds in recent years as a result of his lumberjack tendencies out in our woods. He almost always says "It's fine. Let's just bandage it up." He was out picking up BS from school, and LS was happily eating his peaches in his high chair, so I decided to just wait a bit.

That's when things got a little weird. My ears went numb first, and then started ringing loudly. My lips went numb next, and my head got that odd detached feeling you get right before you're going to pass out. I realized that, crazy as it was, I was going into shock because of a stupid can of peaches. I sat down and put my head between my knees until it passed, keeping my hand elevated because it had started to ooze again.

Bizarre, right? When DH got home, I was calm again, and as I had hoped, he told me we didn't need to go to the ER. He'd had worse. ;) So we put some ointment on it and wrapped it up well. It stings and hurts a bit, but I think I'll live. I know I had a tetanus shot when LS was born, so it's all good.

The funny thing is that when it was all said and done and I was relaxing after dinner with my wounded paw tightly bandaged, I felt kind of excited about the whole "almost passing out" experience. It's good grist for my writing mill. Lately, every experience I have gets stashed in a little mental file, to be used whenever, where ever.

I wasn't going to say anything, but just FYI... I'm on page 67 of my very first attempt at a novel. I'm excited about the progress. It is definitely the longest thing I've ever written to date. It feels like a new beginning.

I surrender!

Mother Nature, you cruel beyotch, I cry "UNCLE!" You win! I lose. I get it. I am waving the white flag of surrender! I kneel before you, a pathetic human who needs creature comforts far more than I could have imagined!

Last week's ice storm left us without electricity for an unprecidented FOUR full days, almost five. We finally got it restored last night. During our little power hiatus, the baby got sick and started throwing up, all of my Christmas shopping went undone, and the earth basically felt like it had stopped rotating around the sun for some odd reason. I missed two days of work ("well, I wouldn't say I've been missing it, Bob"), and am just now starting to feel a little bit of normalcy. Of course, I want to work now less than EVER before, which I didn't even think was possible because I pretty much never want to come here... but that's neither here nor there.

The good news is that our woodstove saved the day yet again! It kept us warm, kept the pipes in the house from freezing, and allowed us to stay in the house instead of seeking shelter elsewhere. The roads were cleared up by Friday afternoon, so after Jim unearthed our driveway from all the broken, frozen trees, we were able to get out and able in the "real" world. It was like a war zone - people wandered like zombies through the raided grocery stores, a lot of businesses were running without electricity, banks were closed, no police in sight anywhere, the world was dark and cold.... Bizarre!

But don't take my word for it, here's the photo evidence:





That which does not kill us, makes us stronger. We're uber buff. ;)

Tag! I'm it.

Mala tagged me in some kind of blogaroonie thingamabob where you're supposed to say 7 things that nobody knows about you and then tag 7 other bloggers to do likewise. I am not sure I have 7 things that nobody knows about me, since I'm a full-disclosure kind of chick. But, I'll give it the ol' college try!

1. I am not a native of New England. I was born in New Jersey and many of my family members still reside there. Don't judge me!

2. The math score on the SAT's was so abysmal that to this day, I refuse to utter it out loud. I will take it with me to my grave.

3. I have almost drowned two times - once as a child (don't remember it), and once in college when I got too close to the edge of a waterfall. Wicked smaht.

4. I totalled my sister's VW Quantum when I was 16 and driving on a learner's permit. I rolled that bad boy but good. I left pieces of it behind me for about a mile and it finally came to rest on the roof. I crawled out the window. I didn't have a scratch on me. (sorry, Deebs!)

5. I have never won any sort of prize or contest. Ever.

6. I am a cancer survivor!

7. I am ridiculously, insanely, hideously tone-deaf.

Ok, I managed that. Now, to try to find 7 people I know who have blogs. Hmmmm... that could be difficult. I'll go with: Jo, Heidi, CK, Allison, and... well, that's all I've got. All the other blogs I read are purely celebrity gossip! :-D

It's a new day!

Thanks to Linda for showing me this outstanding new song by will.i.am!
It's A New Day

(Sorry I can't embed it... YouTube won't let me). Click it... you know you want to!

So, the according to my new "spiritual adviser,"

I need to quit my "soul-sucking" job immediately and go surround myself with books in some capacity. She suggested working part-time in a bookstore or library so that I could have time to write, or do some freelance writing. She had me visualize putting the words on the page and being paid to write and seeing my audience love my work....

She told me my spirit guides and the angels around me were cheering me on wholeheartedly; that they want me to find joy in my work again and do what I was always meant to do.

Huh. (I can hear some of you rolling your eyes right now. S'ok, I feel a little bit the same way)

That's cool and all, but somehow I don't think I can leave my admittedly craptastic job to go work part-time at Barnes & Noble (hi, Lisa!!) considering I have to, ya know, pay bills and feed my kids and all. But, it was nice that she affirmed me (her words) and encouraged me and felt as strongly about my work situation as I do. LOL!

She even gave me a tarot card with an illustration of "expectations," which is nice. I will keep it near my computer for inspiration!

Mala's reading was equally vague, I think, but the psychic did nail her spirit animal, identifying a horse right off the bat. For anyone who doesn't know, Mala's a certifiable horse nut who runs a boarding stable, gives riding lessons, etc. Pretty cool! My spirit animal was a dove, indicating my need to find peace in all areas of my life.

It was a different experience, and one that I am glad I had. It was emotional at times and I was surprised that I cried at one point, but it was kind of an intense thing. Afterwards I had a dull headache and felt off-balance for a while, so I had a little reiki head rub while Mala had her reading, and felt a little better. I just got home and burned some of the white sage I bought and now I feel very new-agey. :)

My rockin' horoscope

MSN Astrology totally told me what I wanted to hear today:

You should be feeling especially strong, healthy, and charismatic, and you are likely to receive some invitations to some exciting parties. You might be surprised at what appears to be a sudden increase in your level of popularity. Expanded opportunities on the career scene could also come your way from new acquaintances, and you could find doors for a whole new life will open - new friends, new position, and possibly even a new home.

Right on! Is that the best horoscope ever? I think it is.

It's proving to be true, too, as my "Friendaissance" kicks up a notch again this month. Oh, and tomorrow, I'm having my first ever psychic reading done. Mala's having it done too, so it'll be fun to compare notes afterwards. I'm hoping the psychic can help me figure out what to do with my life (well, most of my life I like, it's just the career part that gives me trouble).... The psychic is apparently very good, but she goes by the name "Amethyst," so I'm having a hard time with the ol' willing suspension of disbelief, if you know what I'm sayin'. We shall see!

"I'm Dr. Butts, Dr. Seymour Butts...

I'm making my rounds, and I'm a little behind...."

(From The Simpsons, back when it was funny)

Ok, I'm not really a doctor (but I do play one on TV), but I am egregiously behind in just about all aspects of my life right now. It's as if I just awakened from some kind of bizarre fog and found my bills unpaid, my laundry undone, my parents & friends owed phone calls, and ZERO Christmas presents purchased even though we have just 21 short shopping days to work with.

EEEK!

I saw it!

The Twilight movie, that is.

I decided to have a "me date" today. Go ahead, laugh, but it was very tranquil and therapeutic, so there! I went to the movie alone and had buttered popcorn for breakfast/lunch, and got a huge soda. For a while, I was the only person in the entire stadium, so I chose the perfect seat, front and center. Eventually I was joined by an adult mother/daughter duo who sat way behind me, and I think another single woman about my age slipped in during the previews (new Harry Potter movie preview, btw! Looks excellent!!). Anyway, I very much felt like I had the place to myself, so that was cool.

The movie itself... hmmmm. It was... okay. I think it's kind of like that old saying about chocolate (and sex), that even when it's bad, it's still kind of good. I enjoyed watching it and found myself grinning quite a bit at parts that were just like the book. However, the script wasn't the greatest, and I felt like they randomly chose to rearrange certain sequences that didn't need rearranging. I also didn't like most of the added scenes/material that weren't in the book, and the small details like the diner. When did Charlie & Bella ever eat in a diner every night? Ok, so frankly, at times... as much as I was into it... I got a little bored.

The casting irked me. I did not like Kristen Stewart as Bella at all. It's funny, because I thought I would like her understated performance, based on the previews I'd seen. But frankly, and this sounds awful, but she just isn't pretty enough to be the Bella I'd imagined. She's pretty, but there was something about her face that didn't do it for me.
Ok, and Edward. You know I've got a total couger crush on 22-year old Robert Pattinson, and again, I thought I was going to swoon over his performance in the movie... but most of the time, I found him to be kind of creepy as Edward. Maybe it was the extreme close-ups on a humungous movie screen, his plastic-looking and pasty face, with wierd teeth & red lips, or maybe it was his really wierd accent, which I found to be very distracting. I know in real life, he has a gorgeous British accent (to be honest, I kind of hear Edward's voice as slightly British, too), but in this movie he kept reminding me of Anakin Sykwalker (Hayden Christianson) in Star Wars, episodes II and III. Not...uh...not good.

So, don't get me wrong, Edward still looked amazing for most of the movie, but I guess there is just no way to depict someone who is supposed to be the most charming, gorgeous, thrilling, stunning, mesmerizing immortal ever. A for effort, though. Go Pattz. :)

None of the siblings were as good looking as they should have been, IMO. Jasper was actually kind of fug.

Anyway, the script hit the high points, and I loved the action sequences. James, Laurent, and Victoria are very cool bad guys. Oddly enough, the part of the book that I thought was kind of dumb turned out to be my favorite part of the whole film. The baseball scene. I'm sure it's partially because the song that plays during that scene is my favorite song from Muse, a band which I just got into. It's a super sexy song ("Supermassive Black Hole"), and suited the slo-mo uber baseball game nicely.

So, there you have it. Like the buttered popcorn that I had so covetted and skipped two meals to consume, it was not as good as I'd built it up to be in my head. My popcorn was slightly burnt, and this movie was like two hours of disjointed snapshots of pretty (and slightly creepy) people doing lots of talking and not enough macking out. Hrmph.

But I still can't wait to see it again. :)

Update

So far, the complaints are:

- There's a light out in the parking lot.

- The cleaning people slacked off over the holiday weekend. Somebody has dirt on their office carpet. Waaaah!

And the day is still young! I'm sure someone else has a complaint they haven't yet brought to me.


Dr. Evil got it right when he said, "Why must I be surrounded by freakin' idiots?!"





I'm losin' it here, people. Five years at this job. Five. Years. of listening to these neverending complaints and never getting praised for the good job I do to solve their irrational and oftentimes ridiculous problems. I don't care if our economy is in the crapper right now... I need to solve this problem of mine. I don't care how comfortable it is, I need to salvage what's left of my sanity and self-esteem and get the heck outta this office!

Blurg

And we're baaaaaaack.

Thanksgiving break was nice, but went too fast, as always. I am thankful that we decided to drive home on Saturday because yesterday there was snow & freezing rain, so that would have made our drive pretty suck-o-la. As it was, we made it home in 7 hours and had a nice, relaxing Saturday evening and Sunday at home. The boys were visibly happy to be home, and Jim and I used the time to sog on the couch and lounge. I reread the best parts of Breaking Dawn. Looking forward to seeing the Twilight movie this week! I may even see it more than once. :)

Other than that, there's not much happening. I'm sitting here at my desk at work, waiting for the onslaught. Crazy Coworker will be in shortly, as will my boss, who apparently has a cold (joy). I'm sure everyone will be especially annoying since they had five full days to dream up more perceived flaws with the office. Maybe it'll be the copier sucking in more than one page at a time, or the coffee machine hissing too loudly, or the fact that they still don't know how to use their new phones and are too lazy to read the manual. Who knows? What I do know is that it'll be annoying and tiresome.

But, I digress. I'm feeling a wee bit inspired today. Creative, even. I'm hopeful that I can actually get off my duff and write someth-- oh look! A penny! Hmmm, maybe I am the easily distractable type.

Happy Monday, all!